For the last two years, April had been a very special month in the Scott home – it’s our anniversary month! We love getting to celebrate our love for each other, and over the last several months there had been some ‘talk’ of expanding our current party of 2. Ahh!
Well, my typical celebratory champagne became a celebratory glass of Nonalcoholic champagne, as we were officially celebrating anniversary #2 as a party of THREE!! We could not even believe it. Our very first baby! When we found out we immediately started dreaming about our next stage of life, and getting excited for who this little one was. As per any newly expecting mommy, I started the Baby Pinterest Board and saving dozens of baby photo ideas on Instagram. The wheels were already turning for ideas on a gender reveal, while imagining what the nursery would look like in our new home, with our “new normal” together. I couldn’t think about anything else. We FINALLY shared the news with our families, and of course they could not have been more excited with us. Only 7 weeks and this little growing human was already loved SO much. We planned a staycation in Memphis and really do the Memphis touristy thing. So we spent the day touring all over Graceland! – B nor I had ever been! We were having the best time and then the day took a bit of an unexpected turn. I started cramping but didn’t think much of it – kind of brushed it off as gas cramps. We’ve all been there on vacay. However, once we got back to the hotel it got worse. I started spotting which lead to heavy bleeding. My biggest fear in this whole pregnancy journey was happening right before my eyes. I was in the midst of a miscarriage…
I have since learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies end with miscarriage. This number shocked me because I couldn’t believe so many women went through that kind of mental and physical pain. It’s beyond heartbreaking. It also shocked me because that weekend I became the 1 in 4.
We returned home from our vacation feeling a lot of indescribable emotions – disappointment, uncertainty, grief. The only way to describe the feeling of miscarriage is ’empty’. I was physically and emotionally drained and all we could do was cling to each other and grieve this baby we had come to love so dearly in just a handful of days.
Through all of this, I couldn’t be more thankful to have a husband like B. When you get married you think you are already close to your spouse, I have never felt a closer connection with someone than I do with him today. And in the middle of ALL the grief, God was more present than ever. I’ve had to cling to God everyday and find rest in His promises. Through Him I am reminded that my body is strong and capable, my mind is grounded in my faith in Him, and my heart is fiercely open to walking alongside grieving women like me.
Most people don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. I know I didn’t until I went through it. But if you’ve been down this road, if this is your story too, feel free to send me a message. Or don’t, if that’s not your thing. Either way, just know that you’re not alone and you are prayed for. This is my story now, too. Although I never thought it would be, I’m learning to embrace it.
To all the women struggling with infertility, miscarriages, infant loss…. just know you are not alone. Don’t ever feel ashamed of the struggles you face because in the end you just become that much stronger. God’s got this. That I know. It doesn’t make the hurt go away, but it gives me hope and I’m ok with that.
Beautifully stated. Love and prayers for you and B. Yes, you first baby is with our Good Good Father.